Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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