Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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