you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
