You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
