This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
