They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
