i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
