the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
