i permit you to call me
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
