Got a toothbrush?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
