Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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