Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
