I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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