I think I died a long time ago.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
