when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
