Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
