New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
