I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
