I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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