Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
