I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
