Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I lost the right to judge tonight
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
