I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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