matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
