Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
