Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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