Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
