I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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