I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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