Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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