wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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