I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
