Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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