I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
