Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
