I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
tell me about the fingering
Randomize