my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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