Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
