Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
