$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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