If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
