I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
How does one acquire holy water?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
