So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
