he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize