Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
my god I love twenty year old dicks
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
