Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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