I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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