he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
