just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize