dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
