Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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