u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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