Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
