im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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