Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
