new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
