life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
