I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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