There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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