You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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