my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I need moral support for this bender
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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