Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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