Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
